apologize for their peace, heal for your soul
Sometimes, the hardest words to say are ‘I’m sorry,’ especially when years have passed and the silence between you and someone else feels too heavy to break.
I recently picked up How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh, and one chapter hit me in a way I didn’t expect. It was about reconciliation, something I didn’t even realize I had been avoiding, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
In a chapter titled Before Committing to Another, he shares a story about a couple who came to him just 24 hours before their wedding, asking what they should prepare for. His response wasn’t about the ceremony or the vows. Instead, he asked them to reflect deeply: “Is there anyone with whom you haven’t reconciled? Is there anything within yourself that you haven’t yet made peace with? If you don’t reconcile with yourself, happiness with another person is impossible.”
Those words made me pause. I think everyone has someone in their past with whom they’ve lost touch, someone they once cared about but drifted away from, whether through conflict, time, or circumstance. It’s easy to wonder if reaching out is even worth it, or if it’s already too late. But what hurts the most is the thought that, one day, you might run into them and not even be able to smile or say hello, despite all the meaning they once held in your life.
People grow at different paces, and it often takes years to fully process our mistakes, or even realize how our actions may have hurt others. And by the time we do, it’s common to feel like the window for apologizing has closed, that it’s too late to make things right. But that’s not true. Apologizing isn’t just about fixing the relationship with someone else, it’s also about healing the part of yourself that’s still tied to the past.
Sometimes, the hardest person to reconcile with is ourselves. We carry the weight of guilt, regret, and unresolved feelings. Over time, these emotions become barriers that not only affect our relationships with others, but also how we see ourselves. It’s easy to push those feelings aside and convince ourselves they don’t matter, but deep down, they shape us in ways we might not even realize. The more we avoid them, the more they quietly influence how we live our lives.
For a long time, I couldn’t shake the feeling of regret, constantly thinking about how I could have treated someone who was once so important to me with more kindness. I had been considering reaching out to them, even though we hadn’t spoken in four years. We had a falling out back then, and I was too young and proud to recognize the importance of reconciliation. I convinced myself it didn’t matter, but deep down, I hoped they could sense how much I had reflected on our past and how truly sorry I was for how things turned out. I wanted them to know that, even after all these years, I still wished the best for them.
One day, I decided to send a message. I wasn’t sure what kind of response I’d get, if any, but I couldn’t stand the idea of leaving things unresolved. Even if they didn’t reply, I wanted them to know that my apology came from a genuine place. To my surprise, they responded. We talked like we used to, catching up on life and the years that had passed. I apologized, and they thanked me. That moment brought a sense of relief, not just because I had said sorry, but because I knew they understood that I meant it.
This experience taught me that reaching out to someone isn’t about clearing your conscience. It’s about recognizing the role they played in your life, and letting them know that you’ve reflected on your shared past. It’s not just about saying sorry for what happened back then; it’s about acknowledging the distance that has grown between you and showing that you still care.
Even if the person you want to reconcile with doesn’t respond, or if they’ve already passed away, reconciliation is still possible. Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, “Reconciliation means to work it out within yourself so that peace can be restored. Reconcile with yourself for the sake of the world, for the sake of all living beings. Your peace and serenity are crucial for all of us.”
Apologizing takes real vulnerability and courage. It means putting yourself out there and showing empathy, even when you’re not sure how the other person will respond. It’s about recognizing that time has passed, but the people who once meant a lot to you still deserve honesty. Sharing that truth, straight from the heart, is always valuable and can lead to healing — both for you and for them.
